OK, so maybe it would a bit cooler if it was the other way around, and our lifes calling is actually as a hot kick-arse assassin once we stop hating ourselves. Given that I’m a bloke, becoming a hot femme fatale is a bit of a stretch. Shame. I’m probably a chubby computer nerd with a scifi fixation under it all. Oh wait, that’s my cover.
As we all know at the end of The Long Kiss Goodnight , Charlie Baltimore the assassin stops hating herself and becomes her real authentic self, which is a contented married mother and teacher… albeit with some pretty awesome knife skills.
We ACoNs have no idea who our authentic self is. We never existed as a real person to our Narcissistic parent – we were only one of many actors playing a role in The Story Of The Narcissist. My father was wonderful to me as long as I reflected the image he has of himself as the wonderful loving Christian father out there for the world to see. That was up until about the age of 12 or 13 when I still believed he was always right and the perfect dad. It all changed when I became a teenager.
When a child becomes a teenager their parents are supposed to be the anchor the teen can hold onto as they weather the confusing storm of finding their place among their peers, developing their own beliefs and understanding the way the world works, along with their place in it. It’s a confusing period where emotions run riot and every nuance of social interactions (particularly with the opposite sex) are scrutinized and evaluated and hold an importance that adults can only find bemusing.
For the child of a narcissist, the teenage home is the Perfect Storm. The Narcissist cannot cope with any disagreement whatsoever, which for a teenager trying on different ideas and roles for size becomes the very opposite of the safe port they desperately need. Sharing something that you discovered at school which you really connected with only to be derided for being foolish or ‘wrong’, having newly-found personality traits rubbished as being undesirable, and having achievements being dismissed as either irrelevant, insufficient, or a lesser win than something the Narcissist achieved (usually a past story that they go on and on about): all these things serve to leave the teenage child bereft of any sort of identity.
My parents rubbished anything that was contrary to their fundamentalist Christian viewpoint, were critical of pretty well anything I liked, and were jealous of my successes and bitter that ‘they didn’t have it so easy in their day’. I lived by The Invisible Bar of Acceptability, which is the level I was always trying to reach by being good enough to earn their love & acceptance. The bar that is always shifting – an average school report elicited a ‘hmmpf’ of disdain with a smug I-knew-it look, but any achievements were dismissed with the reply that ‘it’s more important to store up riches in Heaven’. I finally left home at 18 with absolutely no idea who I was nor any appreciable life skills, social skills, or boundaries
Nature abhors a vacuum. And humans need to interact with the world around them. So, having a big hole inside ourselves where our authentic personality should reside, we have to improvise. We create a False Self, which we mold and change and ‘perfect’ and which we then use to navigate through life. Unfortunately, lacking the creative power of God our construct is imperfect and we know it. We feel sub-human, always trying our best but always lacking something. We ‘live outside ourselves’ as if from a 3rd person perspective, constantly reviewing and analyzing our performance, fine tuning our False Self and trying to make ourselves successful and happy. Always comparing ourselves (negatively) to others. Or feeling superior to them somehow because of something we know or believe – “you may do better than me in life but I’m going to Heaven and you are not”. So there. And still we try and do all the things that other happy people do in the hope we will be happy. We are a Human Doing, instead of a Human Being.
The good news of course is that we can become our authentic self. We were created perfect by a God/Universe/Higher Power who absolutely needed you and I to exist and be part of this creation. As we really are. As we were really meant to be. You exist for a reason. You have a purpose. You have something to give back to the Universe that no other person in all of time and creation has. We were unfortunately derailed in the process of becoming ourselves, but the Creator(s) will do everything they can to remedy this unfortunate situation; To lead us to find our true self, learn to love an accept ourselves as our parents were supposed to, and cast off our False Self and join the human race as a real Human Being.
If you found this page then you are on the path. It will lead you to finding your true self. I hope by sharing a little of my life it might illuminate the way a little (or a lot) for you just as others shared experiences have done for me.
I finally stopped hating myself and haven’t turned into a frumpy female teacher, so chances are you won’t either. That’s one worry out of the way then.